Adopting a Toddler Part 2 - A Hard Lesson

If you missed the first part of this series, catch it here.

After what seemed a very long time, we finally loaded him into our borrowed car seat so we could grab dinner on the way to the hotel for our first night as a family of five. There was no turning back because he was here and we had paid and signed the papers.  

Our first moments in the car...just pulling away.

Despite the fact that I asked the foster family every question I could think of at the time, I had a dozen more before we hit the drive-thru. I didn't know what to order for him, I didn't know what he would eat, and they hadn't told me that he thought his ear-splitting screech was tremendously funny. Add to that, every time I looked into the backseat, there was a third person there. Not a baby who only has a few basic needs but a screeching, hurting, adorable, 35 pound, well-muscled toddler who could almost outrun all of us. (Read your What to Expect the 2nd Year book...it says toddlers LEARN to run around 18 months. Our little guys was already quite adept at running.)

Honestly, that first night was not glorious. It was hard as we remembered how to diaper a wiggly child, discovered he didn't want to eat any of the food we bought, and cried himself to sleep not wanting any comfort at all from us.

The next day we headed to a borrowed condo about an hour away. It was the absolute worst place for a busy toddler being filled with breakables and floor to ceiling mirrors but it was free and right on the beach. There was no way to try and establish a routine that first day so we concentrated on fun and love. We moved in, pulled out toys, visited the beach, and did some shopping after he cried himself to sleep again.

The next day we were scheduled to visit his birth mother at a restaurant of her choosing. She wanted to see him with us, wanted to meet us. We didn't think it was a good idea. Not good for our son. But the agency insisted that it had to be that way. So we relented.

Exhausted after the meeting with his birth mother.

The meeting was more awful than I could have imagined. The second he saw his birth mom, he went from fairly calm and happy to excited to see her to agitated, hurt, and angry when she wouldn't talk to him or hold him. We tried to hold a conversation while he tried with all his might to get to her or get on her lap. Finally, we had to tag team. One of us stayed with the agency worker and birth mom while the other took Christian around the corner of the noisy, overwhelming Chuck-e-cheese to play where he couldn't see her. We did our best to share our love for her and her daughter and the son we were being entrusted with. We tried to share some of who we were and ask questions. It was beyond awkward and we finally made nap time excuses, took some pictures and walked to our car. Almost instantly our son changed from agitated to smiling and we breathed sighs of relief. Then we looked at the clock and realized that what had felt like three hours was less than one. I was so sad to have only that time with the precious woman who was his mother.

The day after that meeting was mother's day. The absolute hardest day of my life. Ever. We had been cooped up in the car all the day before so I told my family I would happily put our son down for his nap and my husband could take the girls to the beach for a few hours. I would have a chance to relax while he slept, I thought. But about the time the door clicked shut our previously calm boy began to rage. 

I dropped to the floor, holding on as best I could so he wouldn't smash his head on the tile if his attempt to launch out of my arms succeeded. What followed was three and a half exhausting hours. I sang, I prayed, I held, I let go and stayed close. I cried and talked softly and lovingly. I prayed some more. I sat silent. All the while, he screamed and pushed and kicked and worked to get far away from me. After over an hour, I finally put him in the pack-n-play to give my body a rest and keep him from hurting himself as he writhed around. But I stayed and tried to touch and talk and sing and comfort. When Paul finally returned, I calmly handed our son to him saying he hadn't slept and wouldn't eat but was probably hungry. Then I returned to the bedroom to cry again. I was hurt, overwhelmed, and a little terrified.

Then God spoke to me and reminded me of all the families I had walked through adoption journeys with. They shared stories of their adopted toddlers pushing away one of the parents for a time. But eventually love won out. And in that remembering I was comforted and strengthened for the task ahead.

There are things in the first part of our adoption journey, I would have done differently. Go here for a mini-tutorial on adopting a toddler. 

Read part 3 here.

Adopting a Toddler Part 1 - The Call and the Meeting

When we began our adoption journey, we already had 8 and 10 year old girls and didn't feel the driving need to adopt a newborn. We talked with our consultant and were told that infants are most commonly available via domestic adoption. We considered foster care but didn't believe that was the right direction. So, we started down the path of domestic adoption. We prepared our hearts for an infant but inside we both were hoping for an older child.

So we made sure our home study approved us for a child up to two years old. Just in case.

The picture texted to us by the agency when we said yes.

Less than two months after completing our home study, we were matched with a lovely young mama living in our area. We connected with her and her family very quickly and prepared for the infant to be born in less than two months. This sweet mama chose to parent once she met her little one and we put away the items we bought, while waiting for the little one God had for us.

A few months later, we received an unexpected call. Without much introduction they asked if we were interesting in adopting an 18 month old boy. After praying, the answer was yes!

What came next was a flurry of activity as we packed, completed some additional paperwork from the agency, informed our friends and family, and gathered funds before beginning a long 22 hour drive to Florida. From the time we got the call to the moment we met our son was less than 36 hours, including the drive.

Our girls watching for him.

After signing papers and writing checks, we headed outside to watch for our son's arrival. As we sat in the agency parking lot waiting for the foster family, the reality hit me.

I was not adopting an infant but a little boy who had already lived 18 months and had over a year and a half's worth of experiences that I had no control over.

When he arrived, I quickly realized I was out of my depth. My children were so much older, I didn't remember how to interact with an active 18 month old...who could run...very fast...away from everyone while grinning from ear to ear.

Trying to get down...to run again.

I was bombarded by doubts about my ability to parent him, to meet his needs in the face of such great loss, to even figure out how to corral him with the foster family and two agency staff watching. Trying to hide my discomfort, I talked to him, we chased, we played and we offered snacks. All the while, I was thinking, "I can't do this, I don't know how!"

While I definitely thought my new son was the cutest little boy I had ever seen, I did not feel instantly bonded, attached, or drawn to him. As I struggled to find my equilibrium, I prayed for him, prayed for his transition to our family and prayed for myself.

Little did I know that the next months would cause me to pray more intensely and experience more love and joy over that little boy than I could ever have imagined. Part 2 here.

The only time he wasn't running away was if he was eating...

or on top of Dad's shoulders.

Hanukkah Begins

In just an hour, we will begin our Hanukkah celebration. No, we aren't Jewish, but over the past few

years, we have felt drawn more and more to the Biblical celebrations. Our family now incorporates many of the yearly feasts, though not exactly like our Jewish brethren, I'm sure.

We have discovered a profound sense of nearness to God when we take the time to celebrate the feasts He lovingly set out for His people.

Many would argue that Hanukkah is not a Biblical feast. Actually, it is mentioned in John 10:22 by one of its other names, The Feast of Dedication. It is also called the Feast of Lights. Want to learn more about how this celebration applies to Christians? Our good friend Bill, recently posted this webinar and we encourage you to watch it here. (P.S., We also took the picture above from his webinar. We love what it represents! Thanks, Bill!)

Each year we have done this, we have created new traditions for our family. This year Christian is old enough to really understand and notice the difference between our December celebrations and those around us who celebrate Christmas "all the way". Therefore, we have the privilege to include him in learning about why and how we celebrate Hanukkah.

One of the additions to our Hanukkah tradition this year is a mini-devotional on one of Jesus' names. We'll be doing one each night of Hanukkah. We chose these particular names because they have extra significance for us this year or because we felt Christian, as the youngest in our crew, would best be able to identify with them. We share our first devotional with you here and we welcome questions about how we incorporate the Jewish Feasts into our family's traditions.

Day 1 - Light of the World

John 9:5: Jesus said, “As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

In the Temple, there was a magnificent golden lamp stand burning all the time. In John, when Jesus is standing in the courtyard declaring himself to be the light of the world, He was likely standing in the courtyard of the temple rebuilt after the Babylonian captivity. The candles were undoubtedly glowing brilliantly, but their light dimmed beside Jesus.

When John wrote the book of John he said this about Jesus: “In Him was life; and the life was the light of men.”

Darkness is the domain of Satan. It says in Epehsians 6:12: For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

In John 8:12 Jesus said, “I am the world’s Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in.”  In John 12:46, He said, “I am the Light who has come into the world so that all who believe in me won’t have to stay any longer in the dark.”

This means that if we are walking with Jesus, darkness cannot beat us. Jesus said these things for those with Him when he was on earth and for all on earth who choose to believe in Him after He went back to heaven. When Jesus was preparing His disciples about His going away to the Father, He said in John 12:35, “For a brief time still, the Light is among you. Walk by the Light so darkness doesn’t destroy you.”

Jesus will continue to be the Light in the future when He returns to rule the Earth. In Revelation 21:23, it says: The City (Zion where God will dwell) doesn’t need sun or moon for light. God’s Glory is its light, the Lamb its lamp!

Who is the Lamb? (pause and see if Christian or someone can answer) That’s right, Jesus! He can keep us from darkness now and He will be the Light of the World in the future for those who get to be with Him forever.

Gotcha Day

A friend of mine recently posted on her facebook that all adoptive families should stop using the term "Gotcha Day" to refer to the day their children joined their families. She said, adoptees are not things to be gotcha'd."

I've been thinking about that term ever since I engaged her in a discussion on it but I thought I would expound here. (Let me first say that I sincerely respect my friend who posted that comment on facebook. She is an adoptee and one of the smartest women of my acquaintance! Her comment has challenged me to really pray and consider this issue.)

Gotcha Days originated as a way to differentiate a child's birthday or finalization day from the day they were placed into waiting parents arms. From my perspective it is a cute term coined by parents to try and help their very young children understand the difference between how they and biological siblings joined their family. I picture it like when I chased my toddlers and preschoolers around the house and once I caught them we hugged and tickled as I exclaimed "Gotcha!" Or when we scoop up a child who just fell and comfort them with "I gotcha."  Gotcha Day celebrations are intended to help adopted children understand just how much they are wanted and cherished.

Since that time, many adoptees have shared that the term bothers them deeply. I am adoptee and I have never been offended by the term Gotcha Day. I can't even say the word with anything other than a smile. I know the people who coined the term never intended for it to be taken as hurtful or offensive. Most parents who use it do so because it is a warm and friendly way to denote a very special day; a short way to say "the day you joined our family."

Opponents of the term feel it cheapens the day and is completely insufficient to express the importance of a child's homecoming. Adoptees report that calling it a Gotcha day makes it feel like they've been stolen. A number of adoptive parents agree that the term doesn't sit well with them and even go so far as reporting that it smacks of kidnapping.

Each family really needs to decide for themselves how they will celebrate (or not) the day their children joined their family and what they will call it. We can nearly always find someone who will be offended by a term no matter what we choose to call a special day. I will even say I believe one term may be appropriate for a 3 year old and be changed when celebrating a 13 year old. Additionally, I know many older adoptees who consider their Gotcha Day to be special and sweet because their family made it so.

No matter what we call this day, for families whose children came to them well after a birthday, it provides a wonderful opportunity to celebrate that, tell the child stories of their homecoming and remind them just how much they are loved by their first family and their forever family.

So, to end this discussion, I will give you some alternative ideas in case the term 'Gotcha Day' doesn't suit your family.

• Forever and Ever Day
• Beth's Day (where your child's name is used)
• Adoption Day
• Family Day
• Family Anniversary Day
• Homecoming Day
• Forever Family Day
• Hug Day (one family used this because of all the hugs, holding and loving of the original day)
• Arrival Day
• Happy You Came Day

Whatever you call it, make sure your children know they are loved, wanted, and cherished!

Which is Right for Us?

I've had a dozen conversations with families over the years that started something like: "I think we want to adopt internationally so we don't have to deal with the birth mom."

Or

"Domestic adoption seems so much easier!"

International and domestic adoption both have many joys and challenges. Each process is unique and each family must decide which is right for them and how the Lord is leading them.

Here are some things to think about when considering these two routes to building your family:

International adoption may be a good fit for your family if:

• You love to travel or experience and embrace new cultures. 
• You are open to an older infant, toddler, preschooler or older child.
• You are interested in a group of siblings.
• You are willing to walk through language and attachment barriers to redeem one of His precious children.

Domestic adoption may be a good fit for your family if:

• The thought of getting a passport and eating unfamiliar food makes you cringe.
• Your heart is set on adopting a newborn infant.
• You are mostly interested in one child or twins.
• You are willing to know and embrace your child's birth family showing His love to them even as you revel in the sweet one He gives you to care for.

There are many more things to consider including costs, wait times, children available, the process, your family dynamics, and more.

If have been thinking about adoption and would like to discuss the joys, challenges, and process, please contact me at 816-237-8242 or angela@christianadoptionconsultants.com. 

My Life is an Adventure

No, we don't travel the world. But let's review the past year:

• We sold our house and had to move out in 2 1/2 weeks.
• We lived in an empty townhouse for a month, sleeping on the floor.
• We moved to Alabama and lived in a 31ft travel trailer for five months.
• We lived in a partially finished basement for six months...washing our dishes in the bathtub. (Yes, I kept it extra clean.)
• In the past two months we have made six 12-hour trips locating a home in KC, visiting family in MI, and moving our things and mini-farm/petting zoo to KC.

Even now the adventure continues as all our stuff is piled in the garage to re-finish the very nasty but now beautiful hardwood floors. The plan was to stay at a friend's house while they vacationed out west and be back in our house by Thursday. As with much of the past year, the plan is not quite working as we had hoped. Therefore the adventure continues and we will be camping out in our new backyard a few days while the poly cures.

I wish I could say I have handled each adventure and change in plans with the utmost of grace.

I remember walking through the basement when we were still crammed into the travel trailer. I looked right and left and frustratingly lamented, "It is NEVER going to be normal again!"

I immediately heard a quiet whispered response inside, "I know, isn't it great?!"

In an instant I realized that the Father was calling me to look beyond my circumstances and find joy and peace in Him. I realized the out-of-control mess and change in plans was part of HIS plan to bring me to a place of greater trust. I realized that it is imperative to my life and my family for me to learn these lessons. 

To not learn these lessons would be to let circumstances determine my course and my happiness. To not learn these lessons would be to teach my children that when things are hard or don't go your way you should be frustrated, upset, angry, or depressed.

Now, back to how I am handling all this adventure. Not perfect. At all. Sometimes I smile and figure out the new plan. Sometimes my initial reaction is a bit less...ummm, happy.

I tell my kids all the time, it isn't how you react to a situation because we all mess up sometimes. It is what you do after your initial poor reaction. Do you allow the bad thoughts, words, or attitude to continue? Or do you repent and turn your heart and ear to the Lord to get His take on the situation.

There is absolutely no guarantee that the adventure will slow down for us. Though I suspect at some point we will be in our new house and will find a new normal (and all of our stuff).

My goal is to find the joy in the craziness. To lean not on my own understanding as I let the God of peace permeate my attitude and home. To show my children how to trust the Lord and be kind when essentially our whole lives are turned upside down.

I can't help but think this is just a preparation for things to come. May I be found worthy for more adventure.

Goodbyes and Hello Again

In just a few days we will be official Missourians again. We closed on our house in Missouri on the 18th, drove to Michigan for our annual family visit up there, and then back to Alabama for a few days of tying up loose ends and goodbyes.

The goodbyes are bittersweet. The people in this community are so very special. They have embraced and loved us and our children so well. Their words, messages, and worship have encouraged us and caused us to grow. This has been a pretty remarkable year.

We say goodbye to some amazing friends, both old and new. Our lives have been enriched by these people. It will be hard to leave.

We say goodbye to a natural beauty all around us that feeds our souls and draws us closer to God. We will sorely miss the lovely hikes, and clear, spring-fed streams that have been part of our weekly lives down here. We will miss the easy traffic and laid-back pace of this gorgeous community.

Our favorite creek just 1 minute from the house.

As we close this chapter, we look forward to re-connecting with friends, soaking in the prayer room, and creating our own little suburban homestead in Kansas City. Our new house has nearly two acres which some day, Lord-willing, will host a small orchard, a garden and greenhouse, and food-producing animals.

Part of our backyard.

Say a prayer for me as my car will hold Isobel's mini-farm menagerie for the 12-14 hour trip Saturday. My car will be filled with 5 chickens, 6 rabbits, 2 cats, 1 dog, 1 turtle, and dozens of aquatic animals. I offered to drive the moving truck for Paul. He didn't accept.

A number have asked us what we will be doing in Kansas City. We don't have a clear picture of what the Lord has for us there. So we purpose to follow His leading and keep our hearts open to His plans and purpose for us.

Please pray with us for the trip, for Christian's transition, and for Christian starting preschool the Monday after we move. Here's to quite a crazy year of moving, travels and learning to go with the flow.