Will You Be My Forever Mama?

My son is four and has been with us since he was 18 months old.

We have talked about his adoption openly from the day he arrived with us. We have read age-appropriate, adoption-themed books to him, discussed our skin color differences, and talked lovingly of his birth mom. We have visited his biological half-brother (also adopted) and invited his half-sister (still living with his birth mom) to our home.

Depending on his frame of mind we have heard comments ranging from, "I wish I could live with my birth mama." to "I wish none of you were in that picture with me." (speaking of our family picture) to "Will you be my forever mama?"

The questions are normal, though some can be hurtful. Every time my son brings up his adoption story, I say a prayer for grace and wisdom and answer as openly as I can.

My hurt feelings don't really matter at that point because he is NOT trying to hurt me. He is attempting to process the differences in our skin color and how he joined our family compared to his sisters. He is attempting to reconcile the fading memories, experiences, and feelings he has from before he joined our family with his life now. He is trying to cope with the loss of the family who created him.

Really, it isn't about ME or my family or my parenting ability. It is about a little boy who came to us with a lot of hurts and a big dose of rejection by not being kept with his birth family.

Even the comments that seem good come from a place of hurt and fear. The one about being his forever mama is usually whispered into my ear. Sometimes at happy times, sometimes when he is in trouble or our day is a bit crazy.

My answer is always the about the same, "Yes, I will be your mama FOREVER. I am so happy to be your mama and I love being with you. You will be my baby even when you tower over me and no longer fit into my lap."

When the comments are on the hurtful side, I respond with something like, "I know it is so sad that you can't live with your birth mama. You must miss her and I bet she misses you, too. But I am SO thankful God let me be your mama and love and play with you every day because I love you so much!"

No, it is not always easy to hear hurtful comments and remember he isn't trying to hurt me. Some days I do better than others but I always respond lovingly to him and then take my hurts to my heavenly Father who knows my son's pain and my hurt better than anyone else.

I also remember that getting upset with him or responding in a hurtful way would only serve to increase his fear, anxiety, confusion, and rejection. No matter what I may be feeling, it isn't worth that.

This will be a lifelong journey.

What I say today will need to be repeated tomorrow or next week or next month...and many times after that.

What I say today will change as he grows and matures and understands life better.

What I say today will set the course for ALL of our future conversations regarding his adoption.