Asking Questions

Originally posted November 2012

Christian, who just turned three a few weeks ago, is starting to gain an awareness of his adoption. Reading all the adoption books and working in adoption never gave me a clear picture of when this might happen, but more of a vague “you’ll know when they are ready.” So, I’ve faithfully read his story to him from the book we created to tell just that.

Lately, he’s been putting things together which has lead to statements like:  “I grew in my birth mama’s tummy. And then I came to you! And you were so happy! Right?”

Or questions like: “The girls (his sisters) grew in your tummy? But I grew in my birth mama’s tummy?”

He’s also gaining an awareness of the difference between his skin and ours. Recently he told a friend at church that her skin is brown and so is his. She honestly wasn’t sure how to respond, but I was thrilled he was identifying with her.

A few days ago, I overheard a conversation he had while playing legos with a 10 year old friend of my daughters. Christian was digging through the lego bucket looking for something:

Friend: “What are you looking for, Christian.”

Christian: “The chocolaty brown guy.”

Friend, confused: “The chocolaty brown guy?”

Me: “He’s looking for one that has brown skin like him.”

Christian: “Yeah”

Both dug intensely for a minute until the friend produced the chocolaty brown guy whom Christian put at the helm of the boat they had just built and proclaimed that the guy was him leading the battle charge.

Each time Christian brings something up, I say a prayer that the Lord would give me wisdom to speak to his heart and that He would help Christian understand his story and yet fully embrace the good and the difficult parts of being adopted. In a split second I ask for God to make him strong and give him joy despite losing his birth family or the difficulty of being the only black person in our family.

And then I launch in with an answer that often includes a reminder that God knew and loved Christian before He even made the world. That way back then God knew Christian would live with his birth mama for 18 months and then he would need a new family to love and care for him. One that included a daddy since that was the most important thing to Christian’s birth mama. Though he has no concept yet, we talk about our family being  forever and that Christian’s birth mama and sister also love him forever, even though he doesn’t live with them. I’m sure my words aren’t perfect, but I trust the Lord to work in my weakness.

I’ll be honest, I love that he is putting things together and asking questions. I love the dialogue and that I am getting many chances to remind him that he is loved and wanted and cherished. God help me lead him to You so that he gets his identity from You and not from all the losses he’s experienced in his short life!