Four Little Words

Originally posted May 2012

We celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday because we were out of town the previous week.  It was kinda nice because all the places weren’t packed with other blessed mothers.  This mother’s day was amazing compared to last year’s.  This year Paul planned to let me sleep in… I couldn’t wait.  And then four little words shattered that dream.  Let me explain.

Last year we were in Florida to adopt Christian.  On Mother’s Day he had been with us less than 72 hours.  The day before Mother’s Day we had been at a meeting with his birth mom that was required by our agency.  He was with us at that meeting.  Understand, Christian was 18 months old and had been away from his birth mom for four days when he joined our family.  He had no idea why he was away from her nor why he was with all these white people.  We hadn’t come close to finding our equilibrium in parenting him yet.

When she walked in the door, he went nuts with excitement.  He wanted to be with her and in her arms.  Her heart wasn’t at a place where she could handle that.  When he couldn’t be in her arms he went nuts with anger and frustration.  We were there only one short hour, but it felt like four hours.  My heart was breaking to  not have more more time getting to know, loving on, and honoring his birth mama and big sister.  My heart was breaking even more to see this little boy so sad and confused.

As soon as we left he calmed down and it seemed okay.  We went back to our place and Paul put him down for bed later that evening.  Whew.  The next day was Mother’s Day and I offered to stay behind and put Christian down for his morning nap while Paul took the girls to the beach since we had been in the car much of the day before.  I anticipated rocking him to sleep and then enjoying some reading for the hour and a half, two hours of his nap.

Moments after they left the peace was shattered.  This angry, confused, and scared little boy wanted nothing to do with me.  He didn’t want to be held, but if I put him down he writhed around in misery.  He screamed for the next three hours straight.  If I touched him, sang to him, or prayed, he screamed louder.  If I put him in the playpen, he threw himself against the sides.  Exhausted he would doze for a minute and then resume.  I couldn’t call Paul to come help…you don’t take your phone down to play in the waves.  If I thought the hour the day before seemed like four, those three hours seemed like an eternity.  I alternated between desperate prayers and a few of my own tears sprinkled with a hefty portion of fear.  This was certainly not my best Mother’s Day.

After that day, things began to calm and we realized that initially, Paul needed to be there.  Christian hadn’t had a dad at home so he relished his new dad.  Within a couple weeks we were home and getting into our new “with toddler” routine and Christian was getting more and more okay with me.  I could do naptimes, Paul could leave for short times – it was getting better.  Within a few months his most painful memories had dulled and been covered over by new ones of adoring big sisters, steady and loving parents, and a constant environment with few changes.  He relaxed, became loving and joyful, and the tantrums slowed to pretty much nil by the fall.

Fast forward to yesterday morning.  To show me love, Paul was letting me sleep in.  We did church Saturday and this would be relaxation/fun day.  He got Christian up and brought him in for a good morning hug.  Christian snuggled on my chest and we talked about his night.  Sweet!  Then he and Paul headed downstairs to watch a show and have breakfast.  As Paul was closing the bedroom door so I could rest more, Christian yelled, with no prompting from Dad, “I love you, Mom!”

That was it, I was done in.  Sleep evaporated as I realized that God completely redeemed last year’s Mother Day.  I thanked Him over and over for giving us strength for the past year, for helping Christian in his new life, for bringing us to such a good place.

The rest of the day didn’t matter – that was the only gift I needed.  Happy Mother’s Day to me.