Originally posted November 2011
The most handsome little two year old in the world!
Christian has been with us for six months and 10 days now. I can hardly believe it has been that long and yet there is still so much I don’t know. There are times he does things that I know have an origin not of our family. I find myself asking him if he has seen or done something before. Of course, he can’t tell me, but I still wonder if this is really his first time to _____ or just his first time with us.
A few weeks ago he had his first haircut at the barber since he joined our family. Before he joined us, his birth mom kept his hair shaved so I know it wasn’t really his first time. Unfortunately, it was traumatic. He sat still as a statue and cried the whole time. I had to wonder why? What made my busy two year old sit perfectly still for 45 minutes in obvious agony? Had he been spanked for fighting in the barber chair before? What do I do to reassure him? How do I make sure he feels safe?
The reality is that I just don’t know. He has 18 months of experiences before our family (positive and negative) that I have no way to know about. I realize that while he feels totally a part of our family, it will be another year before he has been with us for half his life.
A child adopted older may eventually be able to talk about their past – what they hated or feared, what they liked or miss. Adopted at 18 months old, my son will never be able to verbalize those early months. He won’t have conscious memory of them, even if feels the loss, anger, rejection, etc., inside.
I am constantly faced with good and not-so-good behavior that I can’t explain. Who taught him to play dead? Why does he get upset over that? Why is he screaming for “no reason”?
I try to walk through each situation in prayer. I am constantly asking the Lord if what is happening is due to age or loss. I find that if I take a moment to pray and listen, the Holy Spirit often drops a nugget into my mind that focuses my prayer on the root issue. I pray and many times feel a tangible release in Christian.
I don’t always hear that clearly, but I remain watchful and prayerful for behaviors that have some extra element behind them. I try to remember that while we’ve poured love, boundaries, and security into his life for these past months, he still has more experiences outside of our influence that drive who he is, how he handles each situation, and how he reacts to new things.
Don’t take this wrong, I wouldn’t give up the joy of having this little guy in our family for any “easier” situation. I can tell you that we’ve come a long way in six months. I think back to the first days and weeks and praise God all over again. My son’s anger and frustration at all of the out-of-control and scary changes in his life was palpable. Simple things often became major events when he expressed his frustration and anger. We had to teach boundaries with unending love. We had to provide love even when he pushed away with all of his might. We had to get up a dozen times a night to love, encourage, and reassure him. Even comings and goings of us or family were traumatic for him. He must have been wondering if we were going to disappear like his birth mom and sister did.
I remember vividly when people started commenting about how much more settled he seemed. That was a balm to my heart. That change came with much sacrifice of time, but was worth every minute.
Now he loves to “go, go, go” and sweetly yells “Bye!” while blowing a kiss when one of us leaves. Yes, he has come a long way. He’s gone from non-verbal to talking and repeating EVERYTHING. He’s gone from frequent anger and extended tantrums to normal toddler cries and frustrations. He’s gone from eating fries and chicken nuggets to gobbling celery, lettuce, and cucumber like they are candy.
So while I don’t know all that he experienced those first 18 months like I know for my daughters, the Lord knows. I trust Him to reveal to me when I need it. When I turn to Him, He gives wisdom in how to act, what to say, how to proceed, and how to pray. He is the only One I can lean on or look to when what I see before me just can’t be explained or seems too big or hard.
Thankful I’m not in this alone!
We truly feel we will have two homes as we leave Hamilton. We will look forward to trips down to visit and be refreshed and to see the continued work of the maternity home that we've had a small part in launching!
